Elder Rage, or Take My Father... Please!: How to Survive Caring for Aging Parents

Well, the subtitle could be a clue--a takeoff on Henny Youngman's famous line "take my wife...please!"; this book is not for the faint of heart. A perusal of the table of contents--Chapters like "If It Isn't Ten Things-It's Twenty," "Honey I Blew Up the House," "Jacqueline, You Ignorant Slut," "In A Oh-My-Goddadivida, Honey" and "To Be Demented or Deceptive? That Was the Question" provide no clue about the serious nature of the book and the invaluable contribution it makes for so many people caring as best they can for their spouses, parents or other loved ones suffering from dementia. Despite the numbers and trends and despite the fact that so many of these relationships, like Ms. Marcell's, have difficult family pasts, there are only a handful of relatively good books written on the subject by those actually on the front line of the struggle with dementia. This is a worthy contribution to the subject and we highly recommend this book, particularly for anyone dealing with a loved one with dementia.I will be honest: this book is not for everyone because dementia is difficult to diagnose and to prescribe easy fixes. "One size does not fit all" in almost any area, but dementia presents especially difficult issues for everyone involved with the patient; and trouble in the family relationships prior to the onset of dementia only complicates matters further. Some of the advice Ms. Marcell gives worked for her but may not work for others either because of differences in the patient or differences in personalities of the caregivers. Some readers may even take offense at her use of humor with such a serious and sad subject with far too many unsatisfactory if not tragic conclusions.However, I choose to grant her license to use her style and approach precisely because it works for her--and it is HER story. If it is to help others involved with dementia, the reader must find what works for them and the guidelines and experiences in this book offer wonderful suggestions for each reader to decide for him or herself what to consider, to use, to modify or to ignore as it works for them given their own personalities, relationships and patient circumstances. I would rather read one well-intentioned book from someone in the "ring of fire" than a dozen books by "experts" who have never been a personal participant in a struggle involving care for the elderly. No one can argue that Ms. Marcell has waged a marvelous first-hand battle and has made incredible progress with her parents. Based on everything she did, both right and wrong as she freely shares, she offers clear advice stemming from her successes , failures and the heartwarming outcome for her, her parents and for those she touched and who touched her throughout the journey. While the book ends with her parents still alive (email to request the 'Further Adventures of Mariel and Jake' via <...>), and while not everything was perfect at that time, her parents improved unbelievably and her relationships with her mother and particularly her father are better than ever because of what she was willing and able to do as a daughter who, like most of us, bring nothing to the table in terms of training in healthcare generally or elder care specifically.So, get on board with Ms. Marcell; read about Dr. Killjoy, Nurse Killya, , Brainless Bambi, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Impersonator, Dr. Endure (a shrink of course) and the main antagonist, her Dad Jake (also known as [Doctor] Jovial Jakell, [Mr.] Horrible Hyde, Ivan the Terrible and Jake Lemmon among others.) Read how she had to subordinate so many personal needs and wants along the way, knowing that her parents "would never want [her] to be so unhappy"--so common among children caregivers of elderly parents; read about the day that she faced the decision whether she could still continue her caregiver role in light of her Dad's physical violence and verbal abuse toward her and others; read about the difficulty she experienced as we all do in finding good ancillary caregivers; read about the difficulties she encountered with well-meaning doctors and nurses--some who "get it" and too many who don't; read about medications and how and what they do; and read about Ms. Marcell's experiences with state and federal agencies, both good and bad, who offer help as best they can to those "in the storm." It's all there and more.Specifically, read and make notes on the section about 20/20 hindsight (pp 267-270), which offers an invaluable 15-point (by my count as they are not numbered) checklist based on what she "would have done differently" knowing what she knows today. Study her Behavior Modification Guidelines, which include her 6 Tips for what to do When a Difficult Elder Displays Good Behavior and her 6 Tips for what to do When a Difficult Elder Displays Negative Behavior (also known as tough love); Immerse yourself in her 25 situational Tips covering How Do [You] Handle [Your] Elderly Loved One Who...; embrace Jacqueline's Top Ten Recommendations, which only someone in her place could devise; and, finally, don't miss the Addendum by Dr. Shankle entitled A Physician's Guide To Treating Aggression In Dementia. All of these, along with the Recommended Reading and Valuable Resource sections make the book worthwhile and they are just the "icing on the cake" given her remarkable story of courage and indomitable love.I leave you with Ms. Marcell's own words about her journey: "Isn't it something--my life's most heart-wrenching experience has finally turned into a mission possible. Everything I have gone through can now become blessings for those who struggle to manage their elderly loved ones." Our recommendation is that you get a copy of this book and read it at least twice if you are involved in elder care or think you might ever be responsible for the care of a loved one, particularly one who is experiencing dementia in its various forms. You will receive a blessing for sure.<...>

This book was recommended to me after a breakdown at the hospital when my mother in law was diagnoised with alzhimers and living with my husband and I. It makes you realize you are not alone and some of those feelings you have are natural and many others are going throught the same stuff. You can tell that the author writes from the heart. The way the world is today, most of us do not live in the same place we grew up. Our folks stayed and we left which creates a very difficult situation when you do need to deal with an aging parent or parents. Obviously there is more to all of this caregiving and everyone has different paths. I did come away from the book feeling the author was lucky to be single (she might not feel this way) and at least appeared to be financially secure to be able to spend as much time at her folks home and also to be able to keep them in the home with a hired caregiver. All in all, I liked the book. I really like the humor since it is much better to laugh than to have a pitty party. I also like the fact that this author will actually email you when you ask a question and that humor shines through. Thank you very much Jacqueline for writing this book. Now if I can get the rest of the family to do so, I will be that much further ahead with them in the understanding department. Kudos

This book came up after a Google search on "mean" behavior in a dementia patient after several encounters with my very sweet mom who has had increasing symptoms of dementia. While she was never physically difficult, it was very hurtful to have an otherwise sweet, lovely mom become downright mean. The dark times of the distant past became suddenly very current and real and Mom was convinced of conspiracy all around her...and she was angry with all of us. THIS book is different than any other book on dementia/Alzheimer's because it is a very personal journey through the ins and outs AND ups and many downs of the author's care for her own parents. The ingenious hacks she used, the people she hired to care for her parents in their home and the constant changes and frustrations she had are incredibly important to know. While every journey is different and even every day different, please, please, please read this if you are contemplating care for your parent(s). This book will give you a leg up on wisdom and may even give you a glimpse of what it may require. The care can be overwhelming and can surely drain your own health. Be wise and get the help you need. Or read this and perhaps realize that your situation is easier to navigate. There are so many blessings in honoring your parents and preserving their dignity as much as you can, but be careful that you don't destroy your own life & health in the process or take on guilt if you get help caring for them. Either way, it is emotionally overwhelming. God bless.....

I highly recommend this book for anyone dealing with difficult aging and sick parents to know you are not alone with all the crazy WTF moments. This book is full of humor and honestly on how to cope. It’s like talking to you BBF over coffee and it just feels so comfortable. It is so great to know that we are not alone and learning from others who have gone or going thro this! There is also great resources listed and medical terms to learn on how to ask for help and all and what to do and not do. Yes, there is colorful language that may offend some, but not me. It is life and I have no issues with swears, life is full of WTF moments and colorful language is a great way to vent and understand. Many thanks to the author for sharing and writing this. And if you are just beginning your journey with aging parents, please read this, buckle up, it gets crazy. And this book will help prepare you and maybe reassure that maybe you are not that bad at handling things.

I came across this book whilst doing research about coping with an elderly relative who has anger issues. There really isn't very much help out there for people in that situation, so I was trying all I could to find information. I have an elderly relative who, whilst in their younger years was a loving, caring and funny person has turned into a bad tempered, difficult, stubborn and verbally abusive human being. It is heartbreaking to see. If this sounds familiar to you, then this book is a 'MUST READ'.Jacqueline Marcell, an American author, writes about her experience with her elderly parents, her mother who needs 24 hour care, and her father who insists he can look after her when, clearly, he isn't capable. The author writes about the 'RAGES' her father goes into on a regular basis, and how that has impacted on her and her mothers' lives. He is both verbally and physically abusive to them. Sounds very dark, doesn't it. And, make no mistake, in places, it is! But what makes this book a good read, is the humour throughout the book (surprisingly). I suppose it's a case of, 'if you don't laugh, you'll cry' - oh, I've been THERE.The reason I only gave this a rating of 4 stars, is because of the regular references to 'hollywood' and 'famous people' name dropping, which, for me, became a little tedious, and also, although Jacqueline does explain the options she had and gives advice about what she found to help certain situations, please bear in mind that things may be different in America to what they are here and certain resources may not be available here in the UK, but that aside it is a very well written book, and I found myself being able to identify with many of the situations described. Poor Jacqueline's situation was such an extreme one, that it left me thinking that, actually, I really haven't got it so bad!

This book takes an honest look at the roller coaster journey of dementia. It describes the impact on one family and their carers with humour and compassion. There are lots of useful tips and resources included at the end. Although it is American the lessons can be shared anywhere.

Emotional, eye opening, funny and heart breaking. Not something I would normally read but I am about to embark on the journey of caregiver and couldn't have read anything more insightful.

Though my personal experience was not quite as dramatic as the author's, there were many relate able moments. Knowing someone else has experienced some of what you are going through, helps you keep your sanity.

Very good read - if you are looking after elderly parents with dementia, you will see similarities (but hopefully not the choking kind).Useful resources at the end of the book too. Canada has a different health care system but much of the book still applies.